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The Modern Navy

The US Navy is proud of its new fleet of destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships USS Daring and USS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the United Nations, renamed them USS Cautious and USS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named USS Empathy, USS Circumspect, USS Nervous, USS Timorous and USS Apologist.

Costing $980 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow’s nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board EEO tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Navy directives on race, gender, orientation and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with The United Nations Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The US Navy is eager to shed its long dead traditional reputation for; “Rum, and the lash”; so out has gone the almost extinct memory of when there was a rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. The lash will now be available but only on request.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, “Hello Sailor”. All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches and this applies equally to women crew members.

The newly re-named USS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Washington, DC National Mosque who will break a gasoline bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the US Marine Band plays “In the Navy” by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Gulf of Mexico to ports on Mexico’s east coast.

The President said, “While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of the United Nations.”

His final words were, “Obama waives the rules…”

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