Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn’t kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
Irish lass to shopkeeper: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?”
Shopkeeper: “I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”
Mary Feeney shouts from the kitchen, “Paddy, is that you I hear spitting in the vase on the mantel piece?”
“No,” said him, “but I’m getting closer all the time.”
Finnegan: “My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. ”
Keenan: ” What on earth is she doin’ up at that time?”
Finnegin: “Waitin’ for me to come home.”
Paddy’s says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
And my personal favourite: The good Lord invented liquor to prevent the Irish from ruling the world.