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I’m an Englishman in Phalaborwa

August 1: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 1: Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper – no blasted rain like back in London! Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It’s Paradise !

October 1: The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected. Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 25: This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant &%$@ blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged R200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from @#$# Johannesburg. The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30: The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the f#%&% air conditioner. House is an oven so we’ve all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bleeding R4 million house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4: Finally got the #$# air-conditioner fixed. It cost R1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 35 degrees. Stupid repairman. &*@# thief. If one more smart bastard says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to !@## throttle him. @!&*& heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my @!&*&clothes are soaking @!&*&wet and I smell like baked cat. @!&*&place is the end of the Earth.

November 9: Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my @!&*& backside was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my @!&*& behind. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried bum and baked cat. The Weather report might as well be a @!&*& recording – hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and @!&*& sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 bleeding months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. @!&*&!

November 15: Doesn’t it ever rain in this darn place? Water restrictions will be next, so my R5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the @!&*& pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the @!&*& flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little buzzards!

November 20: Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 degrees today. Now the air conditioner is gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I wanted to shove the car up his backside. Anyway, had to spend the R2,500 of the mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fool. @!&*& PHALABORWA! What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here!

December 1: WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!

You are @!&*& kidding me, right?

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